


BIG!

by emmykay



Category: Naruto
Genre: Bad Jokes, Community: kakairu_kink, Crack, Dirty Jokes, Humor, M/M, Sexual Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-02
Updated: 2012-05-02
Packaged: 2017-11-04 16:59:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/396122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmykay/pseuds/emmykay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kakashi likes big dicks, he cannot lie.  (Those other ninjas can't deny, when a boy walks in with an itty bitty waist and a big thing in his face he gets sprung. *whip crack*)  An excuse to write a story which is basically one big dick (hee!) joke.  Seriously, lots and lots of dick jokes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	BIG!

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Naruto and all affiliated characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi. This story is written without permission and for personal/fan/nonprofit entertainment purposes only.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Written for a prompt on the kakairu kink meme.
> 
> Prompt: _Kink: Size Queen Kakashi._
> 
> _I have always wanted to see a story where the reason Iruka is single is more embarrassment because of his super size having caused him problems in the past._
> 
> _Cue Kakashi finding out about it...._
> 
> _Sexing would be great, top Iruka please. Sex isn't necessary if it is just a great lol story._
> 
> * * *
> 
> Disclaimer: Naruto and all affiliated characters belong to Kishimoto Masashi. This story is written without permission and for personal/fan/nonprofit entertainment purposes only.

Kakashi Hatake, elite jounin, soldier of Konoha, dreamed of cock.

Simply put, Kakashi loved dick. He craved looking at it, fondling it, stroking it, sucking it, being fucked by it, being smacked by it, and smeared by it in every conceivable position, location, and with multiple partners.

He was a bit of a slut. Just a teensy, weensy bit. And, he supposed, given that he'd taken a variety of sex-based missions upon whose successful completion he was paid cold hard cash, he was also a bit of a whore. He was, in short, a slore. 

This didn't bother him. Really. (Oh, did Konoha love and use its slores. How useful they were! How everybody won in that equation!) He had even been given some commendations regarding his missions.

What was troublesome was the encroaching unavailability of new dick. He had nailed, been nailed, hammered, sawed, scissored, banged, tanged, reamed, creamed, filled, drilled, wired, laid, railed, screwed, and been involved in virtually every hardware-store based sexual metaphor in any number of languages. And he was still unsatisfied. He'd done and/or been done by nearly everybody in Fire Country (never mind Konoha - he'd wiped out the village early in his sexual career), some multiple times in multiple combinations.

Going to other countries to scratch an itch was bordering on treasonous. Unless you were being paid, of course. (Slore. Hee-hee. Thinking that just made him giggle.) 

Not only was it the creeping awareness of loss of dick, it was the total, absolute, abysmal lack of big dick. Take Kakashi's inordinate love of penis, increase it by an few orders of magnitude, and there you had Kakashi's love of big penis. But then Kakashi considered the number of good penises and divided that by his love of size and that's the number of big penises he could go back to. That is, zero. No penises whatsoever. It was sort of sad. It was almost to the point where he was considering checking on people's birth certificates to see if they were legal yet. (Regardless of what one thought about shinobi, Kakashi tried to keep his fun clean and legal. At least in Konoha.)

Kakashi dreamed about big dick - and such sweet dreams they were. And how far away from fulfillment he was. He knew, from data collected from a vast expanse of personal experience, that he himself was about average, which was fine. He didn't care so much about his own size. It was the size of his encounters that mattered. Which were dwindling down to nothing.

He was bitching about this to Genma, slouching over the bar, his drink barely touched. (Yes, he'd done Genma. But, then again, who hadn't? Slore. (Hee-hee.) He'd also done Genma and Raidou, or rather, they'd done him, together. It was okay, but it wasn't the same as a single big dong. They had to work too hard to get the rhythm right, and their sizes weren't close enough to make him think it was anything but two guys trying a little too hard. Not that he'd tell them. Because, gods help him, he might want to do it again someday in a fit of desperation, especially if this big dick drought continued.)

"So, when was the last time you've gotten laid, Kakashi? None of these little jerk-off things. I mean, really fucked good and hard."

"A mission."

"Slore." They looked at each other and laughed.

"No, really."

Kakashi sighed. "Really. Mission. It was a good, big dick, too."

"What happened?"

"I had to kill him."

Genma shifted his senbon sympathetically. "So going back for seconds isn't possible."

"Nope."

"Yeah. You don't even have a choice then."

"It was a really, really nice dick," Kakashi mourned. "Of course, the guy had to die. He was sort of a jerk anyway. Bit of a closet-case. And mean. As well as a threat to national security."

Genma tsked. "Isn't that always the way? The nicest dicks are always attached to the biggest assholes."

The bartender looked over Kakashi's shoulder and waved a pleased greeting. This was not the kind of greeting customers usually got in this dive. Regular customers were lucky to get a grunt and a nod. Kakashi turned and noticed two rather familiar-looking chuunin from the missions desk come in. The bartender pointed to a ninja staggering out of the restrooms.

"What's that?" he asked Genma.

"Drunk cart. Volunteers take drunks home so they don't hurt themselves or other people."

"When did that start?"

"A couple of months ago - I don't think you were in town. Some fool tried to katon the Hokage's Palace as a prank and nearly ended up setting fire to a whole section of civilian housing."

Kakashi nodded. "Can't try Uchiha-style jutsu without burning yourself a couple of times."

"So, what're you going to do now?" Genma asked. "About dating?"

"I don't know," Kakashi said, with a shrug. "I want love - who doesn't? But maybe it's time to give up on finding Mr. Right. I don't think the dick of my fantasies is out there. Maybe I'll just resort to lots of meaningless sex. Sex is better than nothing."

Genma laughed. "You've got a fantasy dick?"

"Sure, don't you?"

"No. I mean, it's attached to Raidou, and he's very nice, and it works great, but it's just a dick. A very sweet dick, but still, just a dick."

Kakashi was flabbergasted. "Just a dick? _Just a dick?_ First of all, dicks aren't sweet. Second, dicks are important! There is no 'just a dick.' Third, dick size is really important. I want a dick so big, you have to measure it from the ground up. Forget these stupid metric units - I want old school measurements! I want to know how many hands it takes to go around a dick! I want to know how many fingers can fit inside! I want to see how many cups the balls fill! I want a dick so big, the spooge covers me from head to toe -"

And only then did Kakashi realize that the music taken that exact moment to drop in volume, that people were looking at him, and that Genma's face was studiously blank. He noticed that everybody, including hard-bitten shinobi whose exploits filled Konoha's infamous 'dirty deeds' books, were staring at him aghast. Some, open-mouthed and moist-eyed, resembled children whose fairy tales had been sullied by reality. Everybody, that is, except for one of the mission desk chuunin, a guy with a short brown ponytail, who had one of the drunk's arms around his shoulders. He had his face turned away, and his ears were burning red.

"So, Iwashi," he was saying, his calm voice contradicting the hectic color of his ears, "let's get this guy home, okay?" 

Iwashi nodded, the drunk's other arm on his shoulders. "Sure. Let's go, Iruka."

On the way out, Iruka seemingly accidentally bumped the jukebox and the music jumped back up to its previously loud volume.

Genma began to laugh. "Well, slore, if you're interested in big dick, you certainly couldn't have taken out a more obvious personals ad."

Kakashi banged his head on the bar. "Damn. If that didn't scare them off." He looked at his barely touched drink. He couldn't even blame the booze. And now, because of his outburst, he might mirror the state of his glass. Crap.

"Maybe you'll hear from someone. Like that chuunin schoolteacher, Umino."

"Schoolteacher? He works at the missions desk."

"That too." Genma nodded.

"No way. Missions desk and schoolteacher? Hell, no. He'll be all uptight. Probably make me sign a form before we do it. And after. In triplicate."

Genma looked like he had just discovered a foolproof new jutsu for clean-up after food sex and couldn't wait to share. Or like a cat that got the cream. Or some other metaphor. Whatever.

"What?" Kakashi asked.

"I hear he's got a big one."

"What?"

"You know. BIG." Genma's two hands rose up and separated a goodly distance, and then he winked, giving no doubt as to what he was talking about.

This caught Kakashi's attention. "Shut up. No way."

Genma nodded, smirking. "Way."

"How do you know?"

"Raidou told me. Someone told him, who got it from somebody who got it from somebody on Tsunade's staff. Anyway, he came in for his biannual physical and well, wow. He wasn't even hard."

"Shut up."

"Shinobi's honor." Genma raised his right hand in the air. 

"How could I not know this?" 

"I don't think he dates much."

"He's gay and he doesn't date much? In Konoha, city of sluts? Where if a shinobi dies a virgin, the foundation of the Hokage's Palace would crumble?"

"Yeah, I know, right?" Genma seemed just as baffled. "Maybe he's picky?"

"Are you sure he's gay?" Kakashi went for scepticism.

"Yeah. I think he dated somebody years ago that Raidou hooked up with before we started dating. Mimo? Hiso? Hiro? Hito? I can't remember. Raidou's slept around a bit in the past. Anyway, I've seen him around, checking out some of the other guys." Genma smiled. "Yeah, well, now that he knows you're available, maybe he'll come calling."

* * *

As luck would have it, Kakashi walked into the mission room two days later, to find himself face to face with the ponytailed chuunin. The guy was cute, with those big brown eyes and tasty caramel skin. 

"Good morning, Hatake-san," he said, smiling. It was a sweet smile. No doubt about it, seriously cute, scar across his nose and all.

Why had he never noticed this guy before? "Morning," Kakashi said. "Umino-san, is it?"

A faint pink shaded Iruka's cheeks. "You can call me Iruka, Hatake-san."

Damn, how had he never noticed the cuteness before? The guy was downright adorable. "Oh, then you must call me Kakashi."

"Let me get that mission scroll for you," Iruka said. He stood and turned, and Kakashi realized why he hadn't ever noticed. Those ridiculous pants, all baggy around the crotch and butt. Classic dad-pants. That was a real turn off. Sure, all shinobi wore standard issue pants - but Kakashi and virtually every gay shinobi he knew had their pants adjusted for a better, ahem, fit. He had assumed that if somebody didn't get their pants fixed, they were straight or otherwise uninterested.

Then Iruka bent his knee, stretched to the top of a filing cabinet, and really displayed the reason why he needed to keep his pants so loose.

 _Why, helloooo, shinobi,_ Kakashi's inner slut sang. 

* * *

Kakashi returned to the missions desk, filthy. He had made a rush job of it, but he had returned within a few weeks. He didn't want to admit it, but part of the reason was that he wanted to return to Konoha. To Iruka. And to Iruka's pants.

He had been plagued with doubts as to what he had seen in front of what he termed his "filing cabinet of dreams." Maybe it was just a shadow across the front of Iruka's pants, or something else deceptive about those awful clothes. (The fit of the clothes was doomed to haunt him. He shouldn't have looked quite so hard. But he couldn't help himself.) Maybe it was just the imagination of someone wanting something to be there so bad, he made himself believe it.

Yet, when he came face-to-face with Iruka, conveniently placed at the missions desk to receive him, Kakashi totally lost his cool. Filthy, exhausted, reeking, Kakashi blurted out his desire for a date. Without a second glance at the pants.

A rose-colored blush filling his cheeks, Iruka merely nodded.

And Kakashi couldn't bring it to make himself regret it. Guh. So cute.

* * *

Kakashi, upon getting ready for the date, tried to readjust his expectations. Even if Iruka was the bearer of awe-inspiring bone-age, he might still be bad in bed. Sometimes, big cocks acted like all they needed to do was show up and that made the party. Kakashi knew, from sad experience, that was not the case. Sure, size was the fantasy, but that wasn't everything. One also needed the right attitude, chemistry, and good methodology. Fantasy dick, indeed. 

Well, even if Iruka turned out be a nothing but a little kitty-cat in bed, that was still okay. He seemed sweet, and gods knew, it had been a while since Kakashi had been with someone nice. Crossing his fingers, Kakashi left the house.

* * *

Dinner went well, after an initial, overly polite awkwardness. As Iruka loosened up, Kakashi found, much to his great relief, Iruka was actually fun to talk to as well as nice to look at. He was amusing, well-read, knowledgeable about current events, and smart. Kakashi felt no need to rush through dinner just to get to the porny-sexy-fun times. (A real strategic problem of sluts, actually. Having to deal with the person instead of just having the sex comprised a lot of slore shoptalk.) He was actually enjoying himself. (Attitude, check.)

Iruka seemed to think Kakashi alluring. Kakashi knew that he wanted Iruka to bang him hard and frequently, like the cheapest screen door at the busiest summer camp ever. (Chemistry, check.)

Kakashi went forward for a little kiss, to test the waters. He leaned forward, sliding his mask down, lips poised to purse forward into classic smooching position. Iruka deftly scooted his own chair backward, smiling down at the ground. And that was it. Iruka paid for his own meal and went on his merry way, seemingly completely uninterested in locking lips with the Sharingan user. There was, in brief, no sex to be had. (Methodology... unknown?) 

Kakashi was nonplussed. 

* * *

"Maybe he's shy?" suggested Genma at (what Kakashi felt was) the rather unnecessary debriefing session a few days later.

"Maybe," frowned Kakashi. "He shook my hand as he left. Like he was running for office or something. Then he took off, said he had to do some work. Grading. I'm way more interesting than grading. Right?"

"Sure," Genma offered, off-hand.

"You sure he's gay?"

"Well," Genma muttered, rubbing his chin. "Tiso? Mimiso? Friso? Anyway, the guy Raidou knows, he said something about how Iruka was an awesome boyfriend, so he must be gay. But you said you've got another date next week. See how it goes. Maybe he's just shy."

"Why would he be shy?" Kakashi wondered. "If he knows anything about my missions, he knows my preferences, which is basically "penis" and the fact that I'm about as easy as a box of ready-mix brownies."

At Genma's blank look, Kakashi elaborated. "Add liquid, apply heat, and enjoy."

"Oh, sorry. Raidou does the cooking."

"It's just pretty fucking easy." 

"Okay, okay. All I'm saying is that he might just need to get to know you. You know, warm up."

"Crap," Kakashi said. "I hope it's just that. And not a terminal case of the straights."

* * *

And there continued to be no sex, not after the second date. Nor after the third date. Not even after the fourth date. Just boatloads of coffee, some movies, and two brunches. All with the check split evenly between the two of them. And that weird little formal handshake at the end. What the f-?

"The fifth date! And no love! He's polite and sweet, though. And funny. Did I tell you that joke he told me?"

Genma rolled his eyes. "Yes. Twice already."

"Three times," Raidou muttered.

Kakashi sighed, knowing he was being tiresome. "It's getting to where I can think of nothing but Iruka." He pressed the side of his face against the top of the bar, looking like a poodle of misery. "Iruka, Iruka, Iruka, how long will you deny me?" Softly, he said, "And you guys know I love the dark meat." 

"People do say its tenderest," Genma said. He looked at Raidou, aware he might have hurt some feelings. "But you know once I tasted Namiashi, it became the yummy-ashi."

"It's okay." Raidou said, rolling his eyes, a hint of a smile on his scarred face. "You don't have to say that."

Kakashi moaned, as if in pain.

Genma said, "Look at our little Kakashi - I do believe he's been penis-merized."

Raidou laughed. "Cock-tivated."

"Stu-peni-fyed."

"Cold-cocked by Iruka's kunai of love."

"I'm sure he's got a good penis," Kakashi said. "Maybe even the Penis rex, or the Cockus magnus from what I saw. But he won't let me really see, so I don't know!"

"All hail the Dickus maximus," Genma said.

"Dongo gargantuo," Kakashi sighed, wistful.

"Rock-em cock-em sock-em," Raidou quipped. His voice faltered at the quizzical looks the other two shinobi gave him. He attempted, "Wango tango bango?"

"Oh, honey," Genma looked a little sadly at Raidou. "Foreign languages are not your strong point." Solicitously, Genma asked Kakashi, "Do you think you're getting friendzoned?"

"Probably. Gods," Kakashi moaned. "Friendzoned. The worst."

"Iruka friendzones everybody. I don't think he's got another zone. I mean, the last person he dated was Shiso, and that was years ago," Raidou said.

"Shiso!" Genma said, smacking himself on the forehead. "That's that guy's name! Aw, that was just killing me!"

After a weird little look at Genma, Raidou said, "Kakashi 'Taking on all Comers' Hatake being friendzoned? That just can't happen. I mean, what about your reputation?"

"I don't care anymore," Kakashi said. "I just want to get me some of that tasty man sausage. I dream about it."

"Do you think Iruka has your fantasy dick?" Genma asked.

Kakashi shrugged. "I don't know if I even care about the fantasy dick anymore. I just know I gots to get shot full of his boomstick, and soon, or I'll go crazy."

"Holy cow," said Raidou. "When's the last time you had some?"

"A couple - maybe three? four? - weeks."

Genma whistled. "That's a long time for you."

"I know it. And my balls know it," Kakashi grunted. "I'm not focusing on my work anymore," he admitted. "I'm thinking about getting off the patriotic sluts list."

"WHAAA?" chorused Genma and Raidou. They stared at each other and then back at Kakashi.

"Not you!" Genma said. "You're the slore that can take more, more, more!"

"What about the good of Konoha?" asked Raidou.

"Konoha's just going to have to find somebody else to slut around for them. I can't think of anything but Iruka. Fucking somebody else would be like cheating. Sure, I could still kill people, that's fine, but no more ass-signations."

"You're not even dating!" Raidou said.

"I know," Kakashi said, glum. "But it still feels wrong. He's so good and nice and smart and polite and sweet and funny -"

"My stars and garters," marveled Genma. "You're in love." 

Kakashi might have gulped. It was hard to see behind the turtleneck he wore. Very very softly, he said, "Maybe."

Genma was outraged. "With a dude you're not even fucking. Who may or may not have your fantasy penis. Which you've never even seen. BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT FUCKING."

Raidou shook his head. "It's like a hero has fallen off his pedestal. Or out of bed. Or an eggplant wanting to become an eagle, or something."

"Honey," said Genma, putting his hand on Raidou's sleeve. "Please. Just stop."

"I just meant to say that it ain't right, the way Kakashi's feeling. He's lovesick."

Genma nodded. "It really isn't right. It's not like you at all." He frowned. "You need a plan."

"A plan?" Kakashi asked. "Why?"

"Straightforward dating isn't working. You need Iruka in your clutches. You need to move to plan B. Seduction."

Raidou nodded happily. "Yes, that's right! Worked for me."

Genma looked at Raidou like he was crazy. "No, it worked for me. I got you."

Raidou looked at Genma, a tiny smile on his lips. "Okay. If you think so. You got me."

Genma frowned, and almost looked like he would have argued, except Kakashi was too immersed in his own problems. 

"That's crazy," Kakashi dismissed. "I don't need no stinking plan."

"So what have you done?"

"Nothing. I've talked to you guys. I've thought about spying on him, just a little recreational stalking, but it seemed sort of intrusive. I've just got to be cool and he'll come to me. That's always worked before. Who wouldn't want a piece of this?" Kakashi asked, gesturing with both hands to his torso, but his bravado was all gone. 

"Yeah, like that's really working for you now," Genma said.

"Oh, sure," Kakashi admitted, "Sometimes, I've had to disguised myself as someone else, or dress up in women's clothing, or actually been a woman, or been multiple women, or various farm animals to get my man - but those are for outside things." 

"Are you just going to sit around feeling sorry for yourself because you can't get Iruka?" Raidou asked. "You're an elite jounin. You can do better than that!"

Kakashi sighed, listless. "He deserves something really awesome. Maybe it's not me - "

Raidou looked at Kakashi like the world had tilted off its axis. "Not you? Gods, are you Kakashi 'Fuck'em All and Leave'em Walking Funny' Hatake? You know, the guy who's motto is all about 'Taking it up the Butt with a Smile?'"

Genma scolded, "Do you want to go a round or two on his mighty slapstick? Charm his massive trouser snake? Or not?"

Raidou nudged Genma, who sniffed self-consciously. "Okay, I occasionally have a clunker as well." He turned back to Kakashi. "Do you?"

Fiercely, Kakashi said, "So bad. You can't even."

Energized, Genma said, "We've got to plan. Think about it like it's a mission, but your own personal S-rank. Mission: Umino!"

"Where the S stands for Seduction!" Raidou burst out. 

"Very nice," murmured Genma, sotto voce.

* * *

Genma and Raidou had picked out the outfit, comprising of a tuxedo jacket and short, very small leather pants, accessorized with a little bit of jewelry. And that was it. But the jewelry, ear clamps with big feathers hanging off of them, and great big leather and silver wraps criss-crossing the chest, was hot. HOT. At least, Raidou thought so. 

At the sight of Outfit 1.0, Kakashi said, "No way."

"What's wrong?" asked Genma.

"I am not wearing hot pants. That is non-negotiable. And black leather pants turn your balls blue. Besides, those are seriously too small." 

Genma said, "The leather will stretch."

"Those are tiny. No way will they fit."

"Will too," Genma said, stubbornly sticking out his chin.

"Absolutely not. Leather can smell funny and creak when you move in it. I'm not taking the risk that Iruka thinks it's me and not my clothes."

"Told you so," Raidou sighed to Genma. "I knew he wouldn't wear the pants."

"I caught you in leather hot pants," Genma said to Raidou.

Raidou smiled. "Yes. Yes, you did."

"Forget you guys and your little trips down memory lane. No hot pants," stated Kakashi. "I'd look like a organ grinder's monkey."

Genma chortled. "Organ grinder?"

Kakashi swore, irritated. "This is serious! I'm already acting a little out of character. I am not looking like a freak."

"Freak, huh?" Raidou coughed, "Mask." 

"Point," Kakashi conceded.

Raidou then pulled out the wraps and pointed out how they could easily be converted to whips in, er, emergency situations.

Kakashi was adamant in his refusal. 

"Oh, all right," Genma tsked. "You're taking the fun out of all of this."

Outfit 2.0 involved the same jacket, but paired with very, very tight tuxedo pants, with a classy little velvet stripe down the side. Although, honestly, Kakashi knew this was not a classy outfit. It could have looked really, really stupid. Stupid was not classy. Classy implied shirts and ballrooms, if not actual ball room. Not whatever this was. Raidou was really set on the jewelry: a set of silver nipple clamps connected to each other with a chain that also lead downward past the waistband of the pants and into a cockring. He insisted it helped set the whole outfit off.

At Kakashi's decided shake of the head, Raidou offered an optional mesh half-shirt.

The whole thing made Kakashi wonder about his friends' tastes. Maybe Iruka was right in sticking with terrible-looking saggy pants. At least people left him alone.

"A cockring?" he questioned.

Raidou seemed really excited Kakashi even pointed it out. "It turns into a couple of shuriken - see?" He pressed a catch and the circle split in half, razor sharp edges appearing.

"Actually, that's not bad," Kakashi frowned, his professional hat on. "Still, I don't know if I'd want to wear that. That would be a nasty wardrobe malfunction."

Kakashi and Genma and Raidou compromised with the outfit. Outfit 3.0, the outfit that was actually worn, was actually Outfit 0.0 - Kakashi's work clothes. Kakashi knew the key to seduction was just feeling hot, regardless of what you were wearing. Genma and Raidou just had to be happy with that.

* * *

Their next date was a simple dinner. On their way down the street, before the inevitable handshake and departure, Kakashi paused in front of an ice cream parlor. "Hey, you want to stop for dessert?"

Iruka smiled. "Sure."

They placed their orders and paid. Iruka was handed his single scoop vanilla cone. Kakashi was directed to sit at a table and wait for his.

Iruka was nearly done with his ice cream when the owner herself brought out Kakashi's - not in a cup or a cone or even a bowl. She had both hands on a boat of coffee-flavored ice cream. It was in a mammoth three-lobed dish, single scoops on the sides, with an enormously thick tower of ice cream in the middle, artfully garnished with whipped cream, a banana, and a single candied cherry. When asked if he needed a spoon, Kakashi demurred.

After pleasantly thanking the proprietress, Kakashi looked meaningfully at Iruka. He then lowered his mask, opened his mouth, and dropped his face down onto the center tower, working his jaws, throat and breath until the entire thing was fully engulfed. He then licked his way back up, his face smeared with cream. He smiled at Iruka's red face. After a moment, his lips parted. From between his teeth, he pulled the stem of the cherry, neatly tied into a knot.

"That was great," Kakashi said. "Ice cream is so good. I do like this kind better than soft serve. Hard is so, so, sooo satisfying. I wish I could take this big, thick mound and shove it up my - "

Iruka's eyes were round, his breath was coming fast, and he squeaked. He disappeared in front of Kakashi's eyes.

Ah, shit, Kakashi thought. He wondered if he had blown it. 

He took off after Iruka, catching up with him outside of Iruka's apartment, the door open.

There were apologies on both sides as they went in. That was when the dam broke and Iruka just talked and talked.

Some of it Kakashi already suspected. Iruka admitted that he was a relationship-type of guy. It was pretty easy to tell. That was why he had made Kakashi wait, instead of jumping him the first day, like he'd wanted. Iruka liked dating, he liked the company, and he really, really liked Kakashi. But he had continued to hold Kakashi at an arm's length because he had been afraid Kakashi was either only interested in him because of the rumored size of his penis, or because he didn't know about Iruka's penis and hence might have a rough awakening.

So, when Kakashi asked him out, he had been scared of Kakashi's own reaction. Was he was going to fetishize Iruka? Or be frightened? Was it some kind of joke? A bet? Iruka had been on the end of all those kinds of reactions. It had gotten to the point where Iruka would rather be alone than deal with it. 

It was heartbreaking. Kakashi wanted to smash those guys' faces. But he also believed in revenge, and he had a very hot ninja in his arms. Who needed a little comfort, and maybe some sex. Kakashi believed very much in being on the receiving end of some healing cock.

* * *

Then came the moment of truth. Iruka hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his underwear and pulled down. And Kakashi _saw._

Kakashi could feel his eyes start to widen, and he wanted to clap like a little child who had seen the mythical Fuzzy Bunny of Springtime Solstice. Iruka was everything he could have wished for. And more. 

Iruka was huge. Kakashi knew for a fact that height and hand size had nothing to do with penis size. Iruka was a couple of centimeters shorter than Kakashi, and yet look at the magnificent fuckstick he'd been blessed with. Kakashi sent up a brief prayer of thanks to the fairies that had attended this birth.

"You're not turned off?" Iruka asked, nervously.

"Do I like it? Do I like it? I love it! I think you're great and your penis should be showcased on Main Street!" 

The tension leaked out of Iruka as he laughed.

"Damn, Iruka. I've got a hard-on that could break stone at the very sight of you. You're the dream," Kakashi said, softly. "Gods." Perfectly formed, perfectly colored. With a full bush of pubic hair at the base. (For which Kakashi was glad. He hated the stubble associated with poorly maintained manscape, which it almost always turned out to be after the initial pruning. And given his druthers, he'd be in the area a lot. Like, a lot, a lot.) 

Kakashi dropped to his knees and he grasped Iruka's penis, firmly with both hands. He needed them both. He just held it for a while, and then he rubbed his face again it, humming happily. Iruka shivered, panting, thrusting his hips forward. Kakashi pulled the head of Iruka's penis against his lips, smearing the precum against his mouth, licking it off and savoring the taste. 

Iruka was delicious, and his odor filled Kakashi's nostrils, making Kakashi nearly dizzy, intoxicated on the scent of this man. Kakashi couldn't wait. He opened his mouth and sucked in the head. He used his hands at the base, grasping firmly, moving with his mouth. He could have done this all night - Iruka pulled away. 

"What?" Kakashi asked, worried he'd inadvertently done something to offend. "Was it - was it okay?" He was suddenly afraid. His technique, honed over years of dedicated practice, had Iruka found it displeasing? Had he bitten Iruka? He didn't think so, but he'd been so excited. Maybe Iruka liked biting?

"No - I was afraid I might go a little early. I haven't done this in a while."

Kakashi realized then he must be in love. Even the idea of inciting Iruka to the point of premature ejaculation was unbelievably exciting, and incredibly cute.

"Well, it's good we're taking a pause, because I want you to top."

Iruka froze. "Top?"

"Yeah. It'll be great." Kakashi paused in his own salacious imaginings to consider Iruka's feelings. "You don't like anal?"

Iruka shook his head emphatically. "I love it. I've just never had an easy time with anyone - and so, I usually bottom." He looked nervous. "It's been a while. You sure you don't want to go with something else?"

"It's okay," Kakashi said. "We'll go slow."

In the end, they didn't go very slow at all. Iruka had been very thoughtful, bringing out lube, trying to prepare Kakashi with a perineum massage, some rimming, and then gentle insertions of fingers. Kakashi rolled his eyes. Which was all well and good, but Kakashi was burning with a fiery hot passion to feel Iruka's fiery hot passion. He wasn't an ignoramus, nor a virgin. He was a professional slut. His whole career had been prepping for this. He wanted to feel it, and by the stars in the sky, he was going to!

And as Kakashi felt Iruka against him, he had a moment of intense fear and joy. Was it going to be like his dreams? Or was it going to be yet another let-down? 

He heard the deep growl behind him and and felt the thrust against his back entrance. Then he found himself opened and stretched and filled beyond his wildest dreams. Iruka reached around and grasped his hardened penis - a good solid grasp. How considerate. A heavenly chorus began inside his head. 

But Iruka was so gentle. Too gentle. After entry, he stopped. As did the choir. 

"You okay?"

"Fuck me!" hollered Kakashi, shoving backward with his hips. "Push it in! I'm not going to break! Do me hard! Ream me till I can't fucking walk! Do it!"

With a roar, Iruka gripped Kakashi's hips and thrust forward. Kakashi gasped and reflexively tightened up. He could hear Iruka's excited hiss of breath. And then Iruka began pumping, fierce and deep and up against his prostate so bloody-good-hard-holy stars. Kakashi realized that Iruka wasn't some little kitty-kat with a big penis. Noooo. He was a jounin-fucking tiger! With a rhythm that beat the band! (Methodology, checkity check check CHECK!)

Inner Kakashi wanted to raise fingers in victory, but he was too busy having the fuck of his life. The skies opened up and the angels sang, their voices rising and rising, filling the air, until they hit a magnificent crescendo. (Which sounded like a combination of Woooo! and Awwww YEAH!)

Afterwards, Iruka got up and tossed the condom into the trash. Then he went to get a washcloth to clean up the mess.

"Hey," asked Kakashi, picking up the box. "Where'd you get these? I've never seen them before."

Iruka named a fetish shop on the outskirts of town. "They had to special order them from the Land of Latex. It's really for people to put on their novelty toys." He seemed embarrassed. "I just can't get anything else that fits."

"I'm glad you've got them," Kakashi said, cuddling up against Iruka, laying his head against Iruka's chest, listening to the beat of his heart. 

"Was that okay?" asked Iruka, nervous.

His poor, beautiful, big-dicked boy, Kakashi thought. Whoever gave him that complex about his penis ought to be taken out to the nearest training field as target practice with any number of pre-genins, with some higher-ranked ninja as ringers to make sure those dudes didn't ever make that mistake again. "You know the saying about making sure you're bringing something to the party?"

"Yeah." Iruka's forehead wrinkled in puzzlement. "I thought it was about bringing your own beer or wine to somebody's house if they invite you."

"You not only brought the wine, you brought the balloons and the cake and the donkey ride, too."

Iruka burst out laughing. And he kissed Kakashi as if he loved him a little bit already.

Kakashi raised his head. "Hey, later, you want to go again?"

"Yeah. I do." A lustful, happy look filled Iruka's melting brown eyes. "Hey." He nudged Kakashi. "Just so you know, I've got a gallon of ice cream in the freezer."

* * *

Weeks later, Genma caught Kakashi in the supermarket. "I haven't seen you around much. How goes it?" 

"It's really, really great," Kakashi said. His eye went to Iruka, who was browsing amongst the jumbo carrots.

"You really dating?"

"Yeah," Kakashi said, his eye curving upwards, his mouth, if Genma could only see it, set in a sappy grin. "Iruka's great." 

They watched Iruka heft a longish butternut squash, expression thoughtful.

"What about your fantasy dick?"

"Genma!" Kakashi admonished. "Dicks are important, but so are people and feelings. There's the dream and then there's the reality. But, yeah." He nodded meaningfully. "Old school measurements, still the best."

Genma grinned, whispering loudly, "Does he have the Dickus maximus?"

Kakashi froze, his eye sliding over to Iruka, who was walking towards them, in his hands a pair of large zucchinis. 

Iruka sighed, so clearly tired of all this discussion. He gently placed the vegetables in the cart and placed his hands on his hips. "Look, if you're going to be talking about my junk, please use the proper Latin. It's phallus. Technically, it's Phallus gigundus."

When Iruka turned away, Kakashi gave Genma a two-handed thumbs-up. He then moved his hands apart, miming the motion of measuring something. Genma's eyes became the size of dinner plates at the distance between Kakashi's two hands. In disbelief, Genma gestured toward Iruka's retreating back. Kakashi gave a teeny nod. 

Genma's mouth dropped open. "No," he said.

Kakashi nodded, vigorously.

"Shut up. No way."

"Way."

"Shut up." 

"Shinobi's honor." Kakashi raised his right hand. "You won't believe how awesome."

"Are you kidding me - ?" but Genma's words were cut off by Iruka's return.

Iruka put a box of brownie mix in the cart. 

Genma asked, "So, you like that stuff?"

Iruka nodded enthusiastically. "I love it. It's easy, fast, I can have it whenever I want. And," he added, "I get great results every time." He smiled at Kakashi. "You ready to go?"

As they were leaving, Kakashi slanted a look at Genma, and then tipped his head towards Iruka, who was standing in line at the checkout. His face was ablaze with happiness. He whispered, "Schlongasaurus rex." 

* * *

Kakashi Hatake, elite jounin, soldier of Konoha, dreamed of big dicks. More than that, he dreamed of love and happiness and fulfillment. 

And with his Iruka, he was living the dream.

* * *

  
_Extra Scene_

Jiraiya walked into the Hokage's office with a cup of tea. He knew Tsunade had been having a bad day, but it looked to be even worse than he initially thought.

Tsunade was looking at a piece of paper with great regret.

"What's the matter?"

Tsunade sighed. "Kakashi requested to be removed from the list of patriotic sluts."

"He's no longer a slore?" Jiraiya asked with surprise. "I thought he really enjoyed it."

"Nope. He's found a boyfriend and doesn't want to ruin it." Tsunade lifted a single shoulder in a shrug. "What else can I do? He won't be any better at it than when he was single, and probably much worse. You can't be a slore if your heart's not in it."

"Pity," Jiraiya said. "For Konoha. Not for him."

She looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "The things people do for love."

"Well, if it helps, I've heard that Guy's recently single."

"Might Guy?" Tsunade tapped the list against the desk in thought. "Guy..." And then she smiled. "It could be worth asking, especially if he gives up that green jumpsuit." 

Jiraiya said, "Kakashi has some friends who were really interested in fashion. I think their names are Raidou and Genma?"

The Hokage nodded. "Let's give them a try."

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies to Sir Mix-A-Lot for the summary, and to yaburetayume for the poodle.


End file.
